In Memory of Sihle and Sicalo

My heart is heavy with the news I have to share with you.  My last blog was about Prudence and Sihle.  I asked you all to pray for our God to step into their situation.  God answered our prayers, not in the way I was hoping for and not in the way that is easy to understand but in His perfect way.  Sihle Shongwe died on Monday, April 7th, 2008.  I went to the Hospital on the 8th and as I walked past their room I noticed the blankets on Sihle’s bed looked different.  It was still morning so I was on my way somewhere else because my routine was to always spend the whole afternoon with Prudence and Sihle but I ran in quickly to ask if anyone in her room knew where she was.  I asked where she was and in response receieved blank stares.  I asked again and pointed to the bed that used to be hers and the other Mothers slowly started to answer that Prudence was at home.  My head knew there was no way that Sihle had been discharged from the Hospital over the weekend, she hadn’t hit her target weight yet but my heart wanted to believe that somehow it could be true.  I forced myself to ask the question I didn’t want the answer to, “Where is Sihle?”  The Mothers dropped their heads and mumbled to me that she died the day before.  I stood there dumbfounded once again, reliving how it felt when Mlamuli died, trying to make my head and my heart understand the information they had just been given and form a response.  The best response I could come up with was, “Oh…okay, I have to go, I’ll be back later.”  The Mothers nodded their heads and looked at with me with sympathy, death does not affect Swazi’s the way it does Americans but they understand that.  A Swazi’s normal reaction to death of a non-family member is, “Oh, shame” they feel for the Mother some but it does not prick their heart.  They know me though, the look in their eyes before they even told me the news showed me that they felt sorry for me.  Isn’t that just crazy, these Mothers with dying babies of their own felt sorrow for me?  I can’t even comprehend it.

 

I went on to another part of my ministry for that day and sat there in a quiet fog, to those around me I probably just looked tired but inside I was crying, screaming, and questioning, “Once again where is my God that I know is big enough to do the impossible?”, “Did He take a break from listening to my prayers?”, “How could this be happening again?”, “Why me?”, “Why now?”  The part that hurt the most was realizing Prudence was gone, this 17 year old Mother who I had developed a relationship with, I taught her English everyday, I read the Bible with her, I brought her and the baby food everyweek, I’d listened to her story of how her boyfriend died and she is still trying to understand and trust God’s plan for her life, she was gone now and there is no way I can get in contact with her.  I could see her sitting alone crying for the

                                                                                                                                                       Sicalo

 loss of her baby and in my mind there was nothing I could do and I was angry.  That is the mindset I was in and there was no getting me out of it.  I went back to the hospital in the afternoon and was just counting away the seconds until I could get out of there. I went back to Prudence and Sihle’s room and the women told me the story of how Sihle all of a sudden just got more sick and her belly bloated to be really large and she was vomitting and then she fell asleep and didn’t wake up again.  I didn’t want to hear the story but they wanted to tell me. In my strength I just couldn’t visit anymore people and try to smile and tell them about the Lord, I just couldn’t make myself do it.  I convinced my ministry partner to go home early and we left.  I stayed in the same mindset the rest of the week, I was hurting and I was angry with the Lord.

 

I didn’t go back to the Hospital until Saturday, everyday there was just another reason of why not to go or where I could go instead.  Finally, on Saturday I made myself go back because I was afraid if I didn’t go back then I’d never work up the courage to go back at all.  I went to visit with a set of twins that the orphanage I work with is now taking care of because their Mother was also in the hospital with AIDS and unable to care for them.   They are still very sick, they are almost 3 months old but they only weigh around 7 pounds but I was releived when I saw they didn’t look worse.  Their caretaker from the orphanage though looked very upset and I started asking her what was wrong.  I wasn’t ready to hear the news she had for me.  Sicalo had died during the night at the orphanage.  Sicalo was only 3 months old, he was a product of a rape and was abandoned at a bus stop when he was 2 weeks old.  He was the smallest baby at the orphanage and since I love the little bitty ones he was the one I spent the most time with when we were there.  He wasn’t really sick, that anyone knew of, so in my mind he was the “safe” baby to love.  There was no chance that I thought he might die but somehow it did happen.  I don’t even know yet how or why he died.  After talking with her for a bit, I quickly visited all my other friends and ran for home again.  Hurting and upset with the Lord again, I began asking all the questions over and over again. 

 

 

                   Prudence and Sihle

I tried to find some kind of answer in talking with my leaders and teammates but they had none for me other then to go to the Lord for my comfort.  Finally I took their advice and went to Him.  It was then I realized how focused on myself I’d become and how it didn’t have anything to do with me.  Even though I didn’t deserve it and had spent the week railing at God, He came to comfort me when I asked.  He reminded me that now He is holding these babies, they don’t have to grow up as orphans in a dying country, they don’t have to worry about if they are going to be abuse, they don’t have to worry if the will eat tomorrow, they are no longer in pain, they are His babies in Heaven.  He reminded me through what my leader had said about His grace, that He is sending grace to Prudence and He is with her even though I’m not.  He made me remember that He has called me to Swaziland, He has called me to the Hospital, and He will give me the strenght I need to make it through.  I don’t know why He choose me but He did and He sent me to the dying.  I want to run sometimes, I want to say that I am not qualified for this and I can’t make it but then I remember that He has sent me and that makes me qualified because it’s not me that has to do the work to be qualified but it is Him in me and that qualifies me for anything.

 

Please keep Prudence in your prayers.  Thanks for all the prayers you make on behalf of me, He is teaching me so much and I’m so blessed even through the hard times.  He has called me to love the unlovely.